At twenty-sha-ma-na-na-na years old, I'm not where I imagined I'd be as determined by my teenage self. Like so many others I imagined I'd have it all by now- college education and successful career making lots of money or at least "making a difference," happy marriage, a house, new car, etc. There's nothing wrong with wanting the American dream, but it is exhausting and demoralizing to relentlessly chase it on your own merit.
Reflecting on the life I envisioned for myself, I'm so thankful for ungranted prayers. A lot of my dreams changed as I met new challenges, no surprise. Psychology quickly replaced biology as my major when I realized I was more interested in minds than bodies. My limited dating history, prior to meeting my husband, reads like a comedy of errors. The economy tanked as I left college and many of us are over-educated for the jobs we're working and the house/car/material dreams are harder to obtain.
I had big dreams of being significant for helping people, but here's what I've learned: it is absolutely exhausting trying to make yourself significant of your own merit, holding onto plans so tightly against the push and pull of unforeseeable circumstances. I got a graduate degree that held so much promise of making me significant to my community, but using it pulled me away from my family, faith community, and the things that kept me grounded. I spent almost a year of forsaking the things and people that mattered most, giving all my best effort trying to shine on my own.
God doesn't ask me to be my own light source, but to reflect divine light. Every bump, scrape, scratch, and ding acquired through living and refinement allows me to reflect His light in a new way. If I shine it's because He polished me; if I am dull it is because I tried to evade His hand. Refinement hurts and God's not shy about it. We are tested in a "furnace of affliction" (Isaiah 48:10) and even the wise will stumble so that they may be refined and purified (Daniel 11:35). It is through refinement, however painful, that we know we are loved (Zechariah 13:9), as a parent disciplines a child out of love.
Refinement is hard; I'm probably not the first to tell you about that. It was hard giving up a career that made me proud, but disgruntled. God loves a humble servant, and humble me He does. Yet here I sit, happier and more blessed, living a life unexpected. We all face painful circumstances. It's part of our refinement. It's painful to accept that sometimes our plans are ill-suited, but when we surrender our expectations God reveals His glory.
How many of life's pains give rise to something more beautiful that couldn't have existed otherwise? How much more do we appreciate the things for which we labored or that came at a high cost? Shall we resent the labor and the cost and give up, or press on in hope of victory? There's a party going on in heaven. These battles are already decided and won. We are free to accept today's challenges as enough for today (Matthew 6:34). Cast your cares.
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